I wanted to talk today about one of the most common mistakes that we make.
When we’re really excited about someone,
we’re attracted and we want to bring them closer to us,
we want to turn it into something lasting and
maybe we feel like that person is either a little bit out of reach
or we feel like we're not entirely sure of how they feel about us,
and we find ourselves investing more and more in them to try to secure the relationship.
In the process, what happens is the things that are important in our life right now,
whether it's our friends, our family, our hobbies, the things that give us a
sense of value and identity in our lives, those things start to fade into the
background as we make this person the focus of all of our attention.
Why do we do this? Well, when we really want to find love and we suddenly
meet someone who seems to epitomize everything we've been looking for,
we've decided based on this person's qualities, characteristics, what they look like,
how they act, that this is the love we've been looking for. All of a sudden,
it feels like there is nothing more important in the world than securing this thing,
and we do the one thing in this moment that is the opposite of what we should be doing.
We should be grounding ourselves in the things that are important in our own life,
connecting to these things that give us a sense of worth outside of a person,
and yet we lose connection with all of those things, and we get drawn into the
gravitational pull of how do I please this person, how do I make this person mine,
how do I make them want me? That instinct to try harder when we want to
get someone is actually an instinct that works against
us because someone doesn't become more attracted to us or want us more simply because
we're trying harder. When they feel us trying harder, and for some people,
it makes them kind of pull away a bit or it makes them feel like they can pick us up and
put us down whenever they want. It makes them feel like they're in control the whole time,
it makes us even more anxious, and then we drift even further from these other things
that matter in our life in an attempt to double down on the energy that we're putting
into this person.There's a story that Mark Manson talks about in his book
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***". He tells the story of a guy called David Mustaine
who got kicked out of the band Metallica and went on to start the band Megadeth,
which was a hugely successful band. David Mustaine is seen as one of the most influential
people in his genre, and that band Megadeth went on to sell 25 million albums and tour the
world several times. But he couldn't get it out of his mind that he would never be truly
successful unless he was able to outdo what his old band Metallica was doing.
But Metallica were huge; they sold 125 million albums, and he really struggled with
the chasm between where they were and where he perceived himself to be in his success.
Mark Manson then compares this story to the story of Pete Best, a guy who was kicked
out of the Beatles but went on to marry and have kids and have a very happy life,
a happy life that he described as only being possible because
he got kicked out of the Beatles, and he wasn't resentful for that;
he was happy about it. He said being kicked out of the Beatles brought him
to the life that he now loves. Now, what Mark Manson points out is that the
difference in why Pete Best was able to be happy in a way that David Mustaine
wasn't is because Pete Best valued different things.
And if we want to be happy, we have to learn to value the right things.
Now, let's take this back to the dating scenario. When we value more than anything else
the idea of finding a person to share our lives with, and then we meet a person who
represents that dream in the flesh, all of a sudden, we'll do anything to make that
happen,even if it means losing or ignoring all of these other important parts
of our life.
And of course, when we ignore certain things, we lose connection to them,
and they don't feel as significant anymore. And of course, when we divest in them,
they start to shrink because they're not getting love and attention from us anymore.
What we have to do, which is very counter-intuitive, when we find something
we really want, is double down on the meaning that we get from these other areas
of our life, whether it's your hobbies, your passions, your friends, your family,
the ways you love spending your time, the books you love reading,
things you love to do, the things you love to learn about,
your purpose. Those things are the things that,
if you value them well, not only bring you a sense of perspective in your life
where you go, "Oh, my life is so much bigger than this one area. Of course, I would love
for this person to reciprocate, and I'd love for it to go somewhere, but if it doesn't,
I have a big, rich life. These things are incredibly important to me, and I have
those to fall back on." If we do that, it's like having legs under the table. I want
you to imagine that here's your confidence; it's like a tabletop, and that tabletop
is supported by these pillars or legs under the table, and each one of those legs
is a different part of your life that gives you strength, that gives you meaning,
that gives you purpose, that gives you love. Now, those are all the things that
when we meet someone we want to come with those legs already strong under the table.
We never want to meet someone in either not have them or suddenly decide that the
legs under the table we do have aren't important anymore because we found this one really
important leg. So, at the very time that we feel like we found the dream person,
that's when we have to double down on the areas of our life that support the table
because when that happens, we're able to go into that situation as someone's equal,
knowing that if it doesn't work out, I'm good. I got legs under the table; you can
break my heart, I've got more legs under the table. I don't need to beg; I don't need to
try harder than is reasonable; I don't need to keep chasing you. I'm just going to bring
you my best, show you this wonderful life I've created, and if that's not enough for you,
and if you don't give me enough,
I don't need this. I like to think of confidence the same
way we think of F-you money. You know, when we think of someone who has F-you money,
what we really describe there is someone who has so much money that they can say no to
anything that isn't right for them.
Well, I like to think of F-you confidence, F-you confidence
is when you have so many sturdy legs supporting the table of your confidence
that if someone comes along that isn't right for you,
either because they treat you badly or because they don't
invest in you or they show that they're not sure of
you or because you're not sure of them,
you are able to say no, thank you. I'm good because you have so many other things in your
life that give you meaning and richness and love and importance.
You don't need that person,
no matter how hot they may be, or successful or high status.
You know that nothing could be so hot that it becomes the most important thing in your
life to the detriment of everything else. You could be hot and still be wrong for me,
and real confidence isn't the ability to say no to things you don't want; real confidence
is the ability to say no to things you do want when they're not right for you.